I’ve seen the light you guys.

I HAVE SEEN THE LIIIIIGHT.

those men.
shit.
all of the sexies.
even scarlett (duh)

EVEN LOKI GOOD GOD HE IS JUST A CREEPY HOT BAD GUY THAT DEVILISH GRIN

Sorry i’ve been mia for the last 123468 days you guys
My laptop broke cause I’m an ass and spilt mountain dew on it but the apple store called me today and it’s all fixed so I’ll be back to blogging 25/8 and I just went to game five of the playoffs and we fucking won and Melissa and I were on the big screen for like over thirty seconds and it was friggin awesome and now we’re getting howleys and I’m still drunk and everything is just fucking ace ok okay love you all miss you byeeeee

NEWSFLASH PEOPLE THE BOOKS ARE ALWAYS BETTER AND THE MOVIES ARE ALWAYS GOING TO LEAVE SHIT OUT JUST ACCEPT IT AND TRY TO ENJOY THE FILM BY ITSELF BECAUSE IT WAS ACTUALLY REALLY FREAKING GOOD.

but most of the time I’ll see one and just be like “Ew you are such a trendy douchebag.”

I felt like a flailing tard you guys.

with spiky teal claws trying to paw at my eyeballs.

it’s been one fucking day and i’m already about ready to rip them off of my nails why did i do this i knew there was a reason i hadn’t gotten them done in like 2 years oh god.

and all the crusties that get underneath ugh its just gross.

i just wanted my hands to look feminine dammit

has anyone else noticed how COOL tumblr is right now?

I dont know if these changes are from Missing E or Tumblr itself but holy crap I am on board.

Like that little pop up preview thing it does now when you hover over notifications? And the new reply thing?

Yes

i’ve been lying on my couch since 630 PM (with a 3 hour break for the all star game) watching season four of gossip girl jesus take the netflix

you guys i have not smoked a single cigarette in sixteen days and considering all of the bullshit that’s been happening these past two weeks i’m pretty damn ass proud of myself.

i just needed to publicly declare this okay.

i like bruno mars

there, i said it.

i mean, goddamn that mug is beautiful.
and his voice sweet lord.

So I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned or explained this to you guys before but Thursday night at Carolina is ladies night.

Ladies night sucks.

Sometimes you’ll get the random table that’s really cool and gives you a fat tip and understands what you have to deal with but mostly you just get a bunch of annoying bitches who sit there, drink like 20 free drinks all night and then leave without giving you a single dime. It’s fucking annoying.

And we have a DJ so the whole patio turns into a damn ass club and you practically have to dance your way through to your tables and you get hit on and grabbed and yelled at but I don’t even give a fuck so I just yell right back and everything just gets crazy.

Not to mention the fights that break out but we’ll save that for another day.

NOW for the kicker of this story.

Amidst all of my ladies night tables last night, I had a four top of two couples.
They’d been there since like 8.
Their tab was 140 bucks.

1230 rolls around and I really needed a fucking cigarette.

Normally we’re supposed to go smoke out back but on ladies night our managers will let the servers/bartenders on the patio just go right out front and smoke so we can still watch our tables to make sure nothing happens.

So I check all my tables to make sure none of them need anything and I go out front to smoke.
I’m just about to finish my cigarette when I see the two guys from the four top practically running out into the parking lot and looking around (for me) and then I look to my right and I see their two bitches in a car pulling up and they bolt for the car so I’m just like Oh HELL Fucking No.

After dealing with ladies night crowd and working for eight hours this is the last fucking thing I want to deal with so I start fucking power walking over to the car, I lock eyes with both of the bitches and they stop dead in their tracks and they’re just like “…fuck”

I walk up to the window and I’m like “Um, are you guys leaving? Cause you still need to pay me”

“Uhh…uhh.yeah…do you uhhh have our tab?”

“Of course I have your tab, it’s ready and separated for you guys just how you wanted. Do you want one round of shots on yours and the other on his tab?”

“Uhh..yeahh..Uhh…hang on…ughhh I do nottt wanna pay this tabbb!”

And by this point they’re all just taking turns staring at each other and staring at me feeling like assholes because they totally just got caught and I swear to god you guys I was this close to fucking lunging in the car and punching them all in the face like too fucking bad you don’t wanna pay this tab you should’ve thought about that before you went out drinking for four fucking hours.

More awkward umms and pauses are made with me just bitchstaring the fuck out of all of them until finally they just pull a card out from someone’s wallet and they’re like “Just put it all on this card”

So I go back in, practically pile drive everyone out of my way on the patio not even caring if bitches get mad at me for spilling their (free) drinks, I run the card, go back outside to where they’re parked and one of the guys gets out and comes up to me to take it.

And he fucking takes his card and all three slips out of the book and just looks at me and goes “Do you need any of these still?”

“Um. yes. I need you to sign one for me to keep (fucking duh dude)”
“Oh okay. yeah he’ll sign it”
“Okay, here’s the pen.”
“No no it’s fine we got it, he’ll sign it.”

So they go back into the car and Jonny (my manager) and two of the cops (yes. cops. I’m not joking when I say ladies night gets out of control. People get tased.) had come out front by now so I go over to Jonny to tell him everything that happened and we’re just talking about it while I wait for the guy to come back with the slip.

A few minutes go by and I turned my body towards Jonny and had my back to the car because I figured there’s no way that they’d try and drive off AGAIN after being caught like a bunch of fucking two year olds.

But we all know what happens when you assume.

I turn back to the car and SURE ENOUGH it’s fucking gone.
Meaning I’m out of a credit card slip for my cashout.
And a tip.

By this point I’m about to fucking kill someone so I just scream out loud to myself slash Jonny “Fucking cool dude. They drove off with both slips. Goddammit.”

And then Jonny turned to me and said the most beautiful sentence I heard all night.

“Fuck ‘em. Put 20% on that bitch.”

And you bet your fucking ass I did.

There are six different flavours of coffee creamer in my fridge right now.

Six, you guys.

SIX
DAMN
FLAVOURS

That is ridiculous.

True Life: My family is addicted to caffeine

all i do is listen to safe and sound on repeat and sob at how perfect it is and it just really needs to be march 23rd already ok

it was one thing for you anons to write in my ask box about how i’m a bitch and that i don’t answer questions unless they’re “kissing my ass” but now you’re going over and hassling aly? fuck that.

so here’s what’s up.

I don’t JUST post the nice ones. Half the time I don’t even post those because I don’t like having a shit ton of asks clogging up my blog.

And I hate when people send simple questions anonymously when they could’ve easily asked it as their username and I could just answer it back into their inbox.

Like

Don’t send me “where’d you get that necklace” anonymously.
Why.
Just ask it as your fucking tumblr name.

If I get a rude one and I have a funny and appropriate gif response, I’ll post it.
(Which I’ve done countless times, but you guys are just too busy waiting for me to post a nice one and jump on my ass about it so you don’t see them)

If it’s a really really nice and sincere one that touches me and I want it on my blog, I’ll post it.
(but only sometimes because apparently you people can’t handle other people having nice things to say to me)

Simple as that.

So NOW I’m gonna go on a fucking spree and answer every single one of them so you toolbags can shut the fuck up and move on with your day.

I’ll probably delete them all later tonight after work so read while you can.
jesus fuck.

oh and to all my lovely and beautiful followers I don’t direct any of this towards you.
you guys are friggin’ sweet.
this is just for all you asshat anons.